Bananas go to law school, too!


An Open Letter to the Makers of the Fake Ziplock Cold Cut Bags from the Deli

Dear makers of the fake Ziplock cold cut bags from the deli,

Really. Would it kill you to make a bag with a zip-locking mechanism that works?? No matter how hard I try, aligning each plastic ridge to its God-ordained position, it refused to remain closed! I start on one end, baby steps - when my thumbs and index fingers registering something of a "click," I move on another millimeter. Forward, I toil, until I am at the end of the bag, a small ridge of sweat gathering on my furrowed brow. I step back, glance at my handiwork AND THE ENTIRE BAG IS STILL GAPING OPEN, allowing air to inflitrate the precious precious sliced turkey. And there is nothing worse than dried out turkey.

You think I'm just unnaturally unskilled at closing your magic bag? Well, let's look to the PROFESSIONAL ziplock bag-closers - the deli employees themselves. Their attention to detail, weighing my sliced pepperjack cheese, adding an extra thin slice when the weight only registers .23 pounds - and then ripping off half when it gets bumped up to an unGodly .28. Seriously, thank you deli man for your quality control. BUT DO YOU SIT THERE AND TRY TO CLOSE THE ZIPLOCK BAG??? No. Instead, you use your fancy weight and price sticker to fold the bag closed, a little pocket of delicious goodness.I know it would behoove me to, when first opening my delicious lunch meat, to gently lift the sticker and re-affix it to maintain an ironclad seal. Unfortunately, when I am ready to make a delicious sandwich, I will WASTE NO SUCH TIME and rip quickly into my bag of food. And there the plastic sticker lies, torn apart in a hungry fury. And no longer useful.

I'm not asking for much. I am asking for a bag that is resealable, efficient and airtight. Like your mom. Not a bag that is flimsy and useless. Like your dad.

Love & kisses
Anna Banana